untitled.

Sometimes it is really busy at work. REAL busy. And when the business passes, maybe a little time for reflection. Upon this reflection, it seems we have had an unusual stretch of poor outcomes. Weird stuff. I'd like to say "out of the ordinary," but the reality is, complications happen every day around the world, and my little slice of the world really isn't that different or special. But this week, I had to pause. Because it hit me...you know that cliche people always say, "it could have been me or you" when referring to some horrific event? Well, it kind of hit me in a way that it hasn't before.

I can't explain why seemingly normal labors go awry. I will never understand why some mothers go home with their new baby in their arms, while other mothers have to endure having their very soul ripped from their bodies and then have to go home empty-handed. Yes sometimes complications arise that we maybe saw coming. Mom went into pregnancy and labor with a host of medical problems. But other times, labor could be progressing along as normal as can be (even without any intervention by doctors or nurses or midwives...yes, it does happen that way in hospitals sometimes, contrary to what some people would have you think) Anyone who works in medicine knows that for all the science and "predictability" of our ways and means, sometimes there is just no explaining catastrophe. That whole thing about, "it could have been me..." really is so true. Because it could have.

Being a mother has changed me. Not just in that I am a momma. But it changed the way I see my job and do my job. It changed EVERYTHING about me. I'm still me, to be sure. But along with the joy of motherhood, I have also picked up incredible heartache. Because I have been at the heart of loss (I still say there is nothing more profound than losing a child) with families, I know that sometimes these catastrophes happen without warning. Its random. And inexplicable. And I can't shake the feeling that because my child is well and healthy, that my catastrophe is still lurking out there somewhere, waiting to strike. Its an awful feeling, one that luckily isn't at the forefront of my mind all the time (that would be my idea of hell). But it does seep in from time to time to visit. Like when I am faced with tragedy at work. Those are the reminders...that life is so fragile and precious and wild...and that even though we live in a civilized, modernized world, things happen that are beyond our control. I could always accept that for myself, but the thought of having to accept that for my daughter...that's a tough pill to swallow.

So I am thankful today for so many things. I am thankful for this day. I am thankful for my daughter and husband, my parents and in-laws and all my family. I am thankful for my amazing co-workers, who do SO MUCH with SO LITTLE and come back every day. I am thankful for the mothers who entrust us with their care, and the care of their unborn. I am thankful for having made it this far in life.