Its been 3 weeks today since my BSO. For the most part, I can say its been uneventful. I do have moments of feel kind of something...but I think that's to be expected. I get hot flashes. They aren't awful, but I do notice them. I have also been bleeding since surgery, but that's mostly from the progesterone in the IUD that was placed. I'm hoping that ends soon because its really annoying. The one perk of all this crap was that I wasn't going to have a period anymore. I'm not taking estrogen so....can we be done already?
I also have moments of fear that wake me up and keep me up. The other night, it was the fear that I have breast cancer. I'm still waiting until September to have my MRI...and I got myself convinced that they are going to find something. I don't want to have to go through chemo and radiation on top of my mastectomy come October. Sometimes I wake up feeling like something else is going to happen. Sometimes I wake up because I feel really hot and have to kick off all the sheets and tear off my clothes. Sometimes I just lay awake thinking about all the women out there that are going through this and worse. And I worry about complications with the mastectomy. There is just so damned much to worry about. People tell me not to worry...which is kind of ridiculous if you think about it. I've been handed all this crap to deal with and then someone flippantly says, "Eh, just don't worry about it." Okay, sure. Why didn't I think of that? I mean, shit, don't you think if I could stop worrying about it, I would?
Sometimes I think I should see a therapist. Maybe that would help sort out all the shit that's swirling around in my head and consuming just a little too much of my time (I still have to be a mother, wife and go to work). And then sometimes I think that I really can't spare one more second of my time attending more appointments. So that's where I am at. This whole BRCA mutation has a tendency to completely overwhelm your life. I think about boobs and foobs pretty much all day long. I think about the side effects of early menopause. I read every damned study that crosses before me. And I am tired of it. I want to go back to my "carefree" life. But that's joke too. Is there any such thing as a carefree life? Nope. Because if I weren't worrying about this, I'd be worrying about some other damned thing.
We are awaiting the results of my mother's testing. I'm feeling all sorts of anxious. Not because her results will change anything for me. I am anxious for her. If she has the mutation...this could mean a whole bunch of crap for her. For her sisters. For my cousins. And if she is negative, I worry about my dad. Anxious for him. Because even though there is no way anyone could have known, I know he's going to feel guilty. And telling him to not feel guilty is just as stupid as people telling me not to worry. Its just going to happen. I know I am going to feel the same way when my kids are old enough to chose testing for themselves. I just pray that if they have the mutation, there will be more options available to them than lopping off body parts.
So I wait. Wait for an MRI, wait to have a colonoscopy, wait for my mother's results, wait for my mastectomy and reconstruction. And I try really damned hard not to worry. But I am going to worry. I just am. There is no way around that. Just like there is no way around this mutation.
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